A recent post by Raul Crimson http://raulcrimson.wordpress.com/2008/12/16/gayety/ , and in particular some of the comments on it, left me with more to say than a comment space rightly allows. So I had to come here to blog the length of what I want to say.
The post was about a shot of him and Prad naked together, and he was writing on the fact that some of the comments to the picture on Prad’s Flickr were supposedly anti-gay. Have a look at the picture and comments for yourself http://www.flickr.com/photos/pradprathivi/3085998926/ . I’ve had a re-read through every single comment, and not one struck me as anti-gay. Now I understand Raul’s point more generally, but I don’t think that picture or those comments fed into his concern, so I’m going to state it a bit clearer: “When people tease guys about being gay, they are assuming being gay is a bad thing.” That’s the crux of the claim. I disagree, and I have to explain why, don’t I.
I like to tease Prad about being gay, because I know he’s not. I also like to tease some SL women about being men, because I know they’re not. I do a lot of harmless teasing, and it is not necessarily because I think the thing I’m teasing them about is a “bad thing” – I just know it’s not who they are so I’m having a go. Now not everyone sees it the way I do – there are many people who tease Prad (or whoever) about being gay because they actually do think it would be bad. These people tend to do different styles of teasing though – they’re the same people who attack something by saying “it’s gay”, or use phrases like “what are ya, a poofter..?”.
Now that we’ve clarified that somewhat, I need to go a bit further. One of the replies to Raul’s post implied that homosexuality is acceptable because it isn’t a chosen behaviour. I hate that line of reasoning. I don’t care if it is chosen or not, I don’t care if you were born that way or chose it after months of careful pro-con analysis. Either way, it’s not a question of morality: It is about your private consensual sexual activities, it’s not a matter for society to rule on as “bad” or “good”, to “allow” or “eradicate”. And going along the line of reasoning “oh hey, we have to love them, because no matter how distasteful and ‘wrong’ it is, they didn’t choose it so can’t be held cupable” completely misses the point. You don’t get to walk into people’s bedrooms and tell them to stop having sex, even if they choose to do dirty things you don’t like.
My own view on sexuality goes in this order: (1) Do whatever you like with whoever you like, as long as it’s consensual it should never be a question for law or the rest of society, (2) human sexuality is on a continuum – from homo to bi to hetero: Some people are born with both genitalia and “assigned” at birth, some keep both genitalia, some are born with the “wrong” genitalia, and some are born with the right one but they wanna share it with others who have the same gadgets. The point is you can’t simplify it and pretend we’re all heterosexual and that there are some “minor correctable deviations”. Because it is a false simplification. (3) Yes it is possible to choose to feel differently about your own sexuality, it is possible to experiment and become used to another type of sexual attraction (just watch a prison movie, or talk to a female University Arts student, for examples). (4) Yes heterosexuality is functional, but it sure as hell is not god-like or make you a better person – I have met a lot of people who really shouldn’t have bred, and we all know the news stories about couples beating their own kids to death. Let’s not pretend homosexuals are worse than those people are, merely because of who they go to bed with.
This brings me to a related gripe: I hate it when people get self-righteous about this crap, and get all PC about the jokes you may and may not make. If you make a dumb joke that makes you look like a bigotted moron, then at least we all know that’s who you are – I’d rather know it up front thank you very much. And then, just maybe, it might lead to a slightly more intelligent conversation about sexual orientation as an after-effect. Most people who are anti-homosexuality haven’t thought about it much, don’t know the facts, or are coming from an excessively religious back-ground. You can reason with the first two, good luck to you with the third!
One last quick point: The subject of what is and what is not “normal” also arose in the post and comments. Leading to a few replies along the lines of “there is no normal”, “it’s all relative”. Well, actually, there are psychological and societal guidelines and statistical measures for what is “normal” for any given situation. The “normal range” of intelligence, the “normal” blood sugar levels, the “normal” behaviour of abused children… The idea of what is “normal” and what is not is a useful and functional tool for diagnosis of problems and issues. The real question is what you do about the abnormal, if anything: Just because something is outside the normal range of behaviour and experience doesn’t mean it’s bad, but ya know what, it is a noteworthy and important fact nonetheless – it challenges us to try to understand and make sense of it. Pretending nothing is “abnormal” is ignoring the truth and not answering any of the important questions about humanity and the way we function together in society.
OK. There. Out of my system. See why I couldn’t just put all that in a reply box :p
Lands – Fantastic post. Intelligent and articulate, no surprise given the author. And reflects my views completely. Thank you so much. From now on – I will simply point people here. Excellent.
What a lovely compliment Ahuva, it means a lot. I’m also really glad to hear you agree with the post itself. I’m happy to hear from people who might disagree, and why they do so, but it’s always good to find someone who is like-minded and understands my view-point.
And Merry Christmas hon <3
It seems to me gender and sexuality becomes less and less important, not only in SL where it is almost meaningless, but also in FL. Among my close friends are gay/lesbian people, pre- and post-op transgenders, virtual genderbenders and purely virtual transgenders – and without exception they are all great people. I don’t see being RL/SL male any achievement, it does not entitle me to anything. I don’t see being 90% straight any achievement – it does not make me a better person or more “normal”.
Everybody has to deal with their gender – their biological and their mental gender – and everybody has imho the freedom to adjust it. Everybody has also to deal with their sexuality, and to adjust it as well if they feel so inclined.