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Posts Tagged ‘friends’

I’ve had at least one very negative reaction to me leaving Second Life (quite a scathing one), and a few people worried about me – wondering if they can fix “what’s wrong”. Nothing’s wrong. And I guess I better explain my departure a bit more for those of you still angry or concerned about me.

I want to try for another baby. I am going to. It’s a decision very long in the coming, and my husband is as ready as I am. In the time between now and then I have so much to do to make my life easier, and to function better as a parent. I have to learn to drive. I have to learn to cook. I have to stop spending so much time at this computer when I could be and should be improving my future. The one activity I do more than any other each day, is “playing” Second Life. How do I make more space in my life for new skills – easy – cut back Second Life. What’s not so easy is choosing  just to not go in as much – I find Second Life highly addictive and the only way I could be sure to get time away like I need to is to do what I did: Empty out my friends list and say my goodbyes to the people in-world. Which brings me to the second piece of explanation people want..

Why did I take everybody off my friends list. Now this one’s easy. I know from past experience when I’d tried to leave Second Life that if I ever did log in, it was seeing people’s names and wondering where they were in world that made it so damn hard to pull away. But now I know that their names aren’t even there, that logging in would be completely pointless (other than for art now and then as I keep saying). And it worked. I have lost my desire to log in, because without the people what’s the point? Don’t get angry at me for taking you off, try instead to be happy for me moving on to new wonderful adventures, which gets me to my next discussion point..

Those new things are not just wanting a baby and upgrading my skills for that end-point. I also have two jobs lined up that start soon, and I am wanting to return to masters level studies next semester. I am going to be extraordinarily busy and that always requires a re-juggling of priorities. What one of my friends would really want me to stay in Second Life when that time would otherwise be spent learning new skills, making more money for my family, and furthering my education?

And it’s not like I’ve flipped my friends the finger either, I have retained them on msn and Skype so they’re still part of my life. It’s just much easier to get up and walk away from msn and Skype when I have to get things done, and I can choose to only talk to people I know and care about – ie not being forced to deal with strangers and stalkers and greifers and cope with rez issues (not going to miss those). There are all sorts of other motivating factors at play for me leaving, but all they do is add to the reasons I’ve already given above, which are strong enough in themselves.

I know most people seem to leave Second Life because they’re trying to escape something – they’re mad or sad or whatever. I’m not. I am hopeful and happy and have my eyes wide open. Please try to be happy with me, and know I still care. My true friends will stay with me despite me not being in Second Life to talk to them – they will join me in msn or Skype or email me. Those who can’t be bothered doing that are people I can probably do without anyway. If you are a  friend reading this and want to stay in touch, but don’t have my out-world contact details you can leave me a message on Flickr mail or Facebook or ask someone like Rrish or Bailey or Clare to get my details.

I hope that answers your questions and maybe some of you will hate me for leaving a little less now ^^

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It’s not surprising that I forgot a few people in my “yay you” list yesterday, so I better finish it off-ish:

Vort: One of the most genuine people I’ve met in SL. Our senses of humour are so similar that I often felt like you were a male version of me (you poor thing). It’s so easy to be relaxed and myself around you. Our friendship has long existed external to SL and I know that will continue ❤

Mow: You were always so generous to me, in more ways than I can re-count. You always had a willing ear and a kind thoughtful way about you that I knew I could rely on. Easily one of the funniest people I met in SL. Always true to yourself, and what a lovely person to be true to. I wish you only the best and hope that maybe our friendship can continue external to SL too.

Preeti: Sweetheart. You opened my eyes in so many ways. You have such a gentle open soul. You touched my SL in some special ways and made me laugh and smile so effortlessly. I’m always here for you ❤

Luna. My little sex kitten. My friend, my confidant. So extraordinarily talented in so many ways. You’re just amazing, and I’m going to miss your awesome gifts and your unique and clever sense of humour. Thankfully I still have you on msn so as I may bite you more easily.

Right, still at least one more of these yay-you posts to go, getting there ^^

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I’ve already done posts in the past mentioning my appreciation and love for various friends, in particular I’ve talked about Simmi, Stoo, Hell, Dell, Clarissa, Jonny, Rrish, Bails, DavidT, Crow and Kimber. Those people know already how much they mean to me (I hope). So I need to mention a few more that come up as I sit here clearing out my friend’s list:

BD. I consider you a real life friend as much as a Second Life one, and I hope to keep you around forever more. You’ve felt like a sister at times, I just feel so comfortable around you, and I know you care for me as much as I do for you. I will miss your DJ sets, I used to look forward to them so much. Besides that we didn’t really talk in world anymore anyway, more so in msn, so I hope that part continues.

JayJay. There are no words that will do you justice. You are an incredibly funny and laid-back person, with a huge heart. We don’t talk much anymore, particularly not in-world, but you have me on msn, and I’ll always be happy to hear from you. Love ya loads ❤

Marisa. You have such a good heart, and have always reached out to help me even when I didn’t realise how much I needed that help. I still need you very much, and want to keep you round if that’s OK by you ^^ Again, I have you on msn and I’m very glad I do, I only hope I can be of much help to you as you have to me. You’re a very special woman, with a fighting spirit, that is inspirational.

Lucien. Though we only became friends more recently, you were one of the people who made me think SL still had something interesting to offer, and something worth sticking around for. I think we would have become close friends over time. Thank you for helping make the past month and a bit that much more entertaining.

Dark. One of my oldest dearest friends. So funny, so damn cynical (but with good cause). I could always depend on you for a laugh and decent company. Thank you for your kind ear whenever I needed it most.

Nito. You toss-pot. You weren’t around as often as I wanted and needed you to be, but whenever you were I always enjoyed your company. Your wit, your intelligence, just you. You have my email. Use it :p

Clare. You sweet thing. You amazing, knowledgeable, insightful little wonder. You have given me so much hope and help in areas of my life that needed it so very much. Thankfully I know I still have you on msn, I couldn’t do without you hon. You mean a lot to me.

Jennaa and Mig. Thank you both of you for your company, your humour, your friendship, these past months. I know you’re together in RL right now and I think that’s so incredibly amazing. All the best to you both ❤

Vine. You funny wee poppet. I’m so going to miss your sense of humour and your light-heartedness. You have such a special unique nature, only wish I spent more time getting to know you better, but like so many amazing and awesome people from my SL, you’re not around much anymore. I’d love to add you to my msn or skype if you use it, you’re too precious to let drift away.

Simon. You are awesomeness in the flesh. I love you for being you. There is just nothing I could ever, would ever, change about you. I wish you the best in everything you do hon, you’re going to get to the top of whatever you set your mind to. Again, you’re hardly in SL at all anymore, but I’ve got you on msn so yay me. Simply adore ya.

Ducati. What can I say about you. You’ve got so much heart, you’re so sweet under all that kinky humour. I wish we were as close now as we once were. But even now I know how much you care and that you’re a real friend. Take care hon, and you know where to find me.

I’m sure I’ve left some major players out but that’s as much as I can manage for now. There is one more person at the very least who needs a whole post to himself and will get one after I talk to him to let him know I’ve left his bar again, but this time for good. I know, I suck, but at least it’s the last time I’ll suck in that way.

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They say you can’t choose your family. Well in Second Life people can and do – they decide their relationship with someone feels like that of siblings or uncles etc and then agree amongst themselves that they have that “connection” (and typically openly declare it in their profiles).

Being part of a Second Life family isn’t for everyone. To me it is too much like role-playing. I don’t go into Second Life to role-play – I don’t feel comfortable as a neko or pretending to be someone I’m not – and in turn I don’t go in for the Second Life family thing either. Friends are friends, they don’t become family members just because I feel close to them.

I’m the sort of person who gives things a go though, so I can better understand myself and other people. So, yes, at one stage I had a Second Life family. It consisted of four people at its peak. None of whom are part of my Second Life anymore. It never felt right, it always felt forced, and it didn’t surprise me when it all fell by the way-side.

A significant number of my Second Life friends belong to one particular family. There have been times when I thought how neat it would be to be considered one of that group, to be invited to live in the somewhat communal home they have. The topic even came up once or twice with members of the family but I rejected it because my previous experiences had taught me it just felt wrong.

A while back when some pubs were fighting for the same patrons another family came into being – the people from that family were rather openly viewed as in opposition to this other family I’ve mentioned above. It felt and looked like warring mafia families – choose your side, choose your loyalties, blood-ties that can’t be broken. Watching that made me realise what it is about these family units that disturbs me, beyond the idea that I’m not overly keen on role-playing: It was that your loyalties were to everyone in the family even if you didn’t like or respect them, and that you were expected to take on as mutual enemies anyone who hurt members of your family. I will not let other people tell me who to love and who to hate, I’ve been down that road and it’s an ugly path. When people try to order my loyalties to match theirs I inevitably end up resenting them for making me sacrifice my own judgment to theirs, I trust my own instincts for who are good and who are bad people, and in Second Life my instincts are rarely wrong.

I tend to be quite a reactionary and rebellious person at times – you tell me who to hate and I will search within them for a reason to love them. You tell me who to love and I will seek their flaws. One of the reasons I do this is to over-ride the impact and influence of the “command of affection” by actively seeking out the hidden truths of people. I suppose I’m just not a family type of girl, which is not too dis-similar from real life me either: I have always resented being told I have to love and accept people just because they are family, even when they do evil and immoral acts.

The interesting thing is that I will stick by my own chosen husband in real life, and my own created son, even though they may cause bad things to occur at times in their lives. So, in real life I have chosen my family and it has my deep loyalty. They were not thrust upon me, they are the result of my reasoning and my own actions. But even then I will not let my husband (or son eventually) tell me who I must love, and who I must hate. For it is only them I chose, and at no point did I forgo my ability to reason for myself as to who else I may want or not want in my life.

Not all Second Life families necessarily have this “we stick together, you hurt one you hurt us all” mentality, but it definitely appears to be one of the founding ideas behind the very existence of a vast majority of the Second Life families I’ve encountered. I’d be interested to hear, if you belong to a Second Life family, why you do and what it means to you.

But until I see it some other way – than as role-play and as about blind loyalties – I’ll be remaining Second Life family-less.

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PonderingAs we slip away from Christmas and towards New Years, it’s the right time to gather my thoughts about how 2008 went in Second Life for me: The new friendships, the lost friendships, the change in my SL personality, and the events that stood out above all others.

New Friendships. I could never do an exhaustive list of the new people I became friends with this year, but two in particular stand out:

DavidThomas Scorbal, is one of the names on my friends list that wasn’t there at the start of the year, but will hopefully be there forever more. For quite a while he was the one guy I fully trusted in SL. He always had an ear for me, was always happy to see me, and is one of the rare true gentleman I’ve come across in that world. He effected my SL and inspired a fair few of my pictures. He got too busy, I got too busy, we somewhat drifted apart, but he still means a lot to me. A lot of the changes I went through in SL this year, are because of him. I don’t think he realises that, people so often don’t know the impact they have on you until you tell them huh.

Kimber Enoch, such a sweet soul, so much fire but so much fragility too. I’ve shared so very much of my true self with her, and she has still loved and cherished all that I am. She would never hurt me, which is something I can say about so very few people. I wish I could protect her from the world’s demons yet I know she has the strength to survive whatever it throws at her. She is someone, like Dave, who I hope will be on my friend’s list forever more.

Lost Friendships: I wish no one fell in this category, and it hurts to remember the loss of them. But it would be dishonest to not mention them, because their absence has also effected the sum of my 2008.

Clarissa Dassin. She won’t like that I mention her name, because she’s always been a very private person, so I guess I have to start by apologizing for that. Losing her was losing my best friend in SL. We were so close, she was the first person I wanted to tell anything that happened to me. I loved talking to her at great length every single day. She was my first dedicated SL model, and one of the first people who said to me that they thought my SL art had potential. I couldn’t possibly summarise what it’s like to have her gone from my SL life now, it’s left a hole that I’ve tried very hard to fill, but the loss still taints my SL.

Jonny Fraisse. Another friend who has drifted away, and who once played such a huge part of my daily SL. We used to make a hilarious team – Jonny, Clarissa, Forever and me. Our humour would bounce off each other and feed on itself. I guess it was all too good to last, I saw the fractures in our group early on but thought we could all ride them out and hang in there. But one piece falls away and people expect you to choose where your loyalties lie. Ah well, fondly remembered nonetheless Jonny ❤

Change in my SL personality: I got professional. I became an SL Mentor, I started making money in SL from my pictures, started a blog, and I took on a proper position within Crown & Pearl. How can things like that not change you? I was never, still am not, a paying member of SL so I hadn’t taken the idea of in-world professionalism seriously. Now it is the base of who I am in-world. I try to stay calm and watchful at all times, ever conscious of how I am perceived. In some ways I miss the free-ness of 2007, but no way would I give up everything I have achieved in SL in 2008 to go back to that.

The events. Crowning event without hesitation was my showing at Twilight Gallery. It was like a public and loud announcement that I was a proper SL Artist. My friends turned up to support and congratulate me, and as I’ve said in a previous post – it was my best day in SL ever.

My RL birthday in SL was a very special day for me too. My friends (particularly Jonny) had gone out of their way to decorate the Crown & Pearl for me. I felt so special and appreciated that day. I felt loved and wanted, what more could a girl ever want for her birthday?

So there you have it, 2008 summed up in a few carefully selected paragraphs. Of course it doesn’t cover it all, if I was going to be properly thorough I’d be mentioning people like Prad Prathivi, Bailey Longcloth, Bailey Dazy, Natalya Homewood, Stoo Loon, Clare Loring etc. Nevertheless this post is a good summary of the year for me, and one I will read again at the end of 2009 to see how much I and the people filling my second life, have changed.

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Rrish and I (left) at a recent photo shoot of mine

Rrish and I (left) at a recent photo shoot of mine

A while back I did a post about Bailey Longcloth, after today I knew it was time to do one about Rrishy.

Today was a hard day, and I thought no one had the skills or will-power to pull me out of my funk. I thought I’d just have to ride it out for a few days. Until Rrish popped up on Skype. I have a different emotional reaction to each name that I see pop up on msn or Skype or SL – it often surprises me how I feel when their names appear; there’s a sort of “purity” to my reaction which tells me a lot. Every time Rrish’s name pops up in SL or Skype I have a sort of “yay!” reaction, which I think sums things up nicely.

Rrish has what I could only call a gift, a gift for understanding and responding to the needs of humanity. And most definitely a gift for understanding and responding to my needs. I said I didn’t want to talk about my present sadnesses, I just wanted to fade away for a bit. And she didn’t make me talk about them – rather she sympathised with and showed she understood my frame of mind by relating it to her own experiences. Then she made me laugh (which she always does). And shared some of the sadder parts of her life. And asked me if I wanted to come into SL to sit on a sled while she put up Christmas decorations at her home in world. Which I did want to do, and I did do.

Rrish is always happy to help me out with my pictures by modelling for me, and is always patient when she does so. She gives me clothes from her over-flowing wardrobe from the goodness of her heart. She gives so much and never asks for anything in return – which just makes me want to give her anything and everything I can.

It is rare to meet someone like her who has a firm set of morals, strong ideas of right and wrong, and yet doesn’t shove them down your throat. The vast number of people in this world struggle with figuring out their own beliefs, and end up applying them in a self-righteous, and often hypocritical, fashion. It frankly annoys me even more though when people refuse to take a personal stand on any issues and think everyone is never wrong or blameworthy. Rrish knows what she believes and stands by it, but never forgets about the human being doing the actions and making the mistakes. She has a sort of wisdom that makes her seem so much older than she is, she’s just my age! (Which is not old).

When she enters a room in SL you know you’re going to smile, and feel relaxed, and want to be a better person. She brings all that out in me each time I’m around her. Her presence in and of itself, is a constant gift.

So thank you Rrish. For being you. And may every blessing and lottery come your way and give you all you deserve.

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Friends Lists

I don’t know anymore how many people are on my friends list – last count was around 160, but it was over 200 at some stage. I always have some sort of policy in place for deciding who to put on and who to keep on my friends list, because just like an inventory it’s one of those things you should tidy up now and then. So I’m going to share my current policy because I’d be interested to hear how other people manage theirs by comparison.

Who gets added: Pretty much anyone who wants to be. If someone offers me friendship I accept it, and I have good reason for this. Not only does it make them feel good when I accept, and not only does it put in place the ability to grow the friendship, it can also easily be taken away later if it turns out to be a mistake. If I have evidence of it being a mistake up front – such as they’ve already revealed a stalker mentality or are a griefer by any other description, then they won’t get added, but that is a small group of people among those I encounter.

Who do I add personally: Even though I accept almost every friendship offer, I very rarely make the offer myself. This is because a lot of people can take a friendship offer the wrong way, as in “omg, you want to carry my babies”, or similar over-reacting lunacy: It’s a friendship offer, not a marriage vow – get a grip (see the quote I’ve added at the bottom for a prime example). I will offer friendship to people who go out of their way to IM me though or say sweet thoughtful or clever stuff in open chat – pretty much anyone who really captures my imagination or is reaching out to me in some way.

Who gets taken off: A lot of people. If the first IM you ever send me after you join my list is a generic one aimed at everybody on your list, or is an invite to come hear your friend DJ (without any effort at a “hello” first for instance), then you’re auto-out – if I wanted spam I’d join a group tyvm. If I no longer remember who you are because it’s being so long since we spoke or you simply didn’t make a lasting impression on me, also out, because otherwise it’s just going to be super awkward if you later contact me for a chat and I have no context for who I’m talking to. The other main reason for getting rid of someone off my list is a major falling out – but it would have to be very major for me to take that step, because I know it will lead to arguments and drama in itself otherwise.

And that’s the problem here: Most people hopefully won’t notice as I slowly and often trim back my friends list, but every so often someone will suddenly notice it and get upset and demand an explanation. More often than not I re-add them if it’s going to upset them that much – if having my name on their list makes them that happy and having me off it makes them that miserable, then it’s a simple thing to give them.

For me the highest level of trust and friendship is usually accompanied by giving the person map rights, which is another topic I’ll write on soon so I’m not going to go into that further at this point.

Friends lists, just like friends profile picks which I wrote on earlier https://landsendkorobase.wordpress.com/2008/09/29/the-politics-of-friends-tabs/ (btw, if you can teach me how to cross ref to websites without having the whole damn link spelt out I’d love you for it), have their own “politics” at play. So how do you manage yours..?

******

Scary accompanying quote time – this is from many months ago:

[19:42]  Odd Guy: we still together? i know i messed up……
[19:42]  Landsend Korobase: What do you mean by together?
[19:43]  Odd Guy: couple weeks ago we dance all the time and you said yes when i asked you out babe
[19:44]  Landsend Korobase: You have the wrong person [Odd Guy], that definitely was not me!
[19:44]  Odd Guy: errr you landsend yes
[19:45]  Landsend Korobase: You never asked me out, and if you had, I wouldn’t have said yes, I’m married o.O
[19:46]  Odd Guy: ok you sure
[19:46]  Landsend Korobase: Believe me, I’m sure
[19:47]  Odd Guy: so why you on my friends list
[19:47]  Landsend Korobase: Cause we’re friends..? I have over 160 people on my friends list! That’s all it means, friends
[19:48]  Odd Guy: well if we are then im sorry must have it mixed up.
[19:48]  Landsend Korobase: Think so yeah. That’s ok, obviously got really mixed signals there

Response from friend I shared this with:

Friend says (11:06 p.m.):
haha
Friend says (11:07 p.m.):
so all this time you’ve been on my friendslist and you’ve been CHEATING ON ME WITH 160 OTHER PEOPLE?

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